Jack was sat in that underground thing in Wales and suddenly he saw that LJ had gone down.
"What the shit?" screamed Jack, unable to catch up with his flist or post scurrilous lies about what Toshiko wore under her clothes on Thursdays.
"Whatever shall I do now?" he wondered. "I know," he said to himself, "I shall shag Ianto."
So Jack went and looked for Ianto. He looked in the loo, he looked in the kitchen, he looked in the cupboard under the stairs.
"I was hiding," said Ianto, when Jack finally found him under a lampshade, "in case Owen killed me like the crazy bastard we all know he is."
"It's okay," said Jack, tears at the corners of his manly eyes. "I would never let crazy bastard Owen kill you. I would do it myself, with a loving hand."
Speaking of which, Jack demonstrated by shoving his hand down Ianto's trousers and having a quick fumble.
"Oh, how I love you," sighed Ianto.
"Whatever," said Jack, "let's get it on."